I’ve always been drawn to gay men. I lusted after many and foolishly fell in love with two. The difference between the two men is that one was out and the other was in. Or not out. Or un-out. Or on the down low.
Loving any gay man may not be a smart choice for a straight girl, but there was a massive difference between the battering to my heart from the out-gay and down-low gay. Not that I like a heart beating of any sort at the best of times – who does really? But I’d love a thousand out-gay men before I would ever want to love another one who crouched in my closet. In hindsight, the reasons seem obvious to me, but in case you haven’t had a round with a gay man (in or out), I’ll break it down for you. Because there’s just too much to say in one go I’ll give you round one today with the out-gay man and discuss the if-you’re-gay-but-don’t-know-it-raise-your-hand gay tomorrow. My best advice about falling in love with either, is to learn from my mistakes.
I’ll be the first to say a gay man has all the things a woman needs. I know I’m stereotyping here. Not all gay men. Some are completely self-absorbed jerks who are cruel and unkind and treat others like yesterday’s garbage. Some are slobs or deadbeats or morons. Gay men don’t come with perfect specimen cards. So I guess what I mean is the IDEAL gay man. Yes, that’s it. The ideal gay man has all the things a woman needs.
First – they look fantastic. They know what grooming means. They don’t continually ask “does this shirt match these pants”. They know how to apply hair gel without it making them look like a slick duck. They somehow have figured it all out on their own and just show up looking fierce. It can be somewhat of a problem if they always look better than you, but I don’t care how shallow it sounds – eye candy is sweet.
The ideal gay man knows how to give you independence and still treat you like a lady. I don’t want to sound like my grandmother here, but manners count. When someone opens the door for you, guides you through a crowd with their hand on the small of your back, pours the wine, or lets you do anything first – it makes you feel special. I don’t care if you have more estrogen or testosterone running through your body – being treated like that makes you feel cared about. I don’t know why so many straight men have difficultly with this, but the ideal gay man just gets it. (as a side note – even every not-ideal gay man I’ve been around has mastered this one too).
The ideal gay man knows how to have a good time. And by that I don’t mean a two-minute quickie that ends with him watching a game on TV. The ideal gay man takes pleasure in talking for hours, shopping for shoes, going to musicals, watching movies that make you cry. They are on board with you giving each other foot rubs, make overs, and dancing. They’ll talk about fantasy-sex, best kisses, and ex-boyfriends at great length. They get intimacy. They get how to nurture and support. They do all of this without complaint and don’t expect it will lead to sex. After the foot rub they’re not whip’n their ding-dong out looking for a little hand action, claiming that’s where they thought it was headed.
The ideal gay man is affectionate and sensitive. He also has a sence of humour. He can make you laugh until you want to pee your pants. Silly fun, he likes silly fun, and he makes you feels like you’re a kid again, giggling and laughing and happy.
Why can I not find this with a straight man?
In the end, the gay man I loved did indeed love me back. He loved me, and respected me, and cared about me. He just didn’t want to have sex with me, and that’s a shame because I’m quite the fox in bed. I won’t say it didn’t hurt my ego, my pride, and yes – my tender little heart. I wanted him to want me.
But here’s the thing – when he said “You’re so beautiful” I believed it. When he said “Oh my god, your breasts look fabulous in that shirt!” I didn’t think he was trying to get into my pants, or think he was a perv for staring at my lumps instead of my eyes. No. In fact, I said “Really, do you think so?” then stuck my boobs out some more, checked myself in the mirror, and deemed that was my new favourite shirt.
Would all that have changed if we had sex? Yes, because he would’ve hated it, and in turn I would have hated myself. But did I wish I could have him just the way he was, except for the tiny little detail of desire? Yes – I wish that too. But the hurt was bottled somewhat because he was out when I met him, and he was always very clear about his sexual preference. So I guess when I fell, I only had myself to blame. But then again, I could hardly blame myself – he was amazing, after all.
The best part about the ideal gay man is that after he breaks your heart, he knows just how to fix it. And that when you find a straight man who may only have half the credentials that gay boyfriend has, your ideal gay will cheer you on and want to hear all the juicy details. And he’ll be there for you when the straight guy turns out to be a not-so-ideal boyfriend either.
So love your gay man – he’ll be the best companion you could ever ask for. Just never forget – no matter how fabulous your boobs look in that shirt – he ain’t gonna want to kiss them.
–Abby
Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow…
